


Memory's Curse

by wolfmagic48



Category: Mystic Messenger (Video Game)
Genre: Established Relationship, Implied Sexual Content, Implied/Referenced Domestic Violence, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-09-19
Updated: 2017-09-19
Packaged: 2018-12-31 17:11:38
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,099
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12137217
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/wolfmagic48/pseuds/wolfmagic48
Summary: A little one-shot in which V and Jumin have a little conversation.





	Memory's Curse

Jumin wrapped an arm around V, but V shrugged out of his embrace. It wasn’t that he didn’t want to be held - he did, very much - it was just that he didn’t deserve it. He didn’t deserve anything that had happened that evening. All the happiness, the comfort, the love - so much he could never possibly return it.

“If you let it eat you up like this, you’re never going to be able to sleep. You have to let it go, baby. You have to let it go.”

V tried to quiet his tears. He had gotten pretty good at it, but tonight he was having trouble. Why couldn’t he just be normal? Why did he have to cry after something so wonderful? Why wouldn’t the past just leave him alone?

_Because you don’t deserve nice things. You ruin everything you touch. You’re just going to hurt him, like you did Rika. You know it, and she knew it, too. That’s why she tried to blind you. It was a gift, V. Why couldn’t you just accept that? Why couldn’t you just let yourself go blind?_

V curled in on himself, trying to pull the blanket up over his face, but Jumin pulled it back down again.

“Hey, V, hey. Look at me, please.”

“I’m so sorry, you shouldn’t have to deal with this.” It didn’t make any sense. Rika had died so long ago, but everything haunted him more now than it ever had before. Especially the moment that-

“I wish you’d just tell me what’s wrong,” Jumin sounded upset, disappointed, and that was the last thing in the world V ever wanted to hear in Jumin’s voice. But he couldn’t talk about this, he just couldn’t. There was nothing to tell, anyway, right? 

_That’s right V, there’s nothing to tell._

“You know you can tell me anything, right?”

“I know.”

“Okay.”

It was quiet, and V tried to calm his breathing, tried to calm enough so that maybe Jumin could fall asleep.

“Can I hold you?”

V turned around, burying his face in Jumin’s chest.

“Did I do something wrong?”

“No, no, never, Jumin. You were perfect.”

“Okay.”

“Don’t worry about me. I know you’re tired. Just try to get some sleep, love.”

Jumin kissed the top of V’s head and pulled him close. V opened his eyes, focusing on the sheets around them, on the way everything smelled like expensive cologne instead of delicate vanilla. V wasn’t sure what he’d do without that scent, to be honest. He thought he’d die without it. Focusing on it was the only thing that seemed to be able to calm him down. Maybe that was bad, but it was something. And as much as V knew he didn’t deserve it, he was a terrible, selfish person, and sometimes he just wanted to be able to breathe easy.

V waited for sleep to come, but Jumin fell asleep first, and in his sleep, his arms fell away and he rolled on his other side. Part of V was upset, but another part was grateful, and he slipped off into the next room to cry.

The carpet was thick and soft, and V curled back up on it like he had before, letting the tears roll down his cheeks. He hated this. He hated that he felt this was tearing him and Jumin apart. He had to find a way to tell him. He had to. He didn’t have a choice.

“Meow?”

V looked up, Elizabeth the Third looking down at him with her wide, blue eyes in a curious sort of way.

“You too, huh?”

Elizabeth looked confused, and V sat up, looking at her.

“Do you think I could tell you a story, Elizabeth?”

Elizabeth meowed again, jumping up onto the windowsill.

“I suppose that’s a no,” V curled in on himself, digging his toes into the carpet. He had a story, a reason to cry. He was crying too hard and too often for it to be for no reason, but he didn’t know how to tell Jumin. He didn’t want Jumin to be angry with him for what he had to say, but Jumin was already angry with him for not talking. V supposed he had to talk. He just wasn’t sure how.

“He can understand you even when you don’t talk. I wish you could explain it to him.”

Elizabeth looked out the window, and V was almost tempted to go see what she was looking at, but it didn’t seem worth it. Even though he was lucky the surgery had worked and he could see, sometimes he felt like he couldn’t see. Sometimes he thought it would be easier if he had truly lost his vision, because he wouldn’t feel so guilty for not using it.

“I love him so much,” V whispered. He could feel the tears tighten his throat, taking away his words, and all he wanted was to have them back. But the tears took over instead, and he curled in on himself, head between his knees. He was crying those ridiculous kind of tears that actually rolled in drops down his face and soaked into the carpet below, the kind that left salty streaks over his lips so he could taste the sadness he felt inside. In time, his sides began to ache and so did his throat with the strain, but he couldn’t stop, even then. It was only when V could see the first bit of sun brighten the carpet that V decided to use his eyes not to cry, but to see. He took a deep breath and stood, shaky on his own feet as he stumbled over to the window. The sky was beautiful from here, and he felt lucky to see it. The only think that would have been more beautiful would have been if Jumin was there.

A soft creature brushed against V’s leg, and V jumped in surprise before his eyes met the little blue one’s at his feet once again.

“I’m going to talk to him.”

Elizabeth the Third curled a tail around V’s ankle.

“Are you willing to be emotional support?”

Elizabeth stretched, claws kneading the carpet. 

“I feel like that’s a yes,” V reached down an picked Elizabeth up, carrying the cat in his arms and back to Jumin’s bedroom.

Jumin appeared to still be asleep, so V crawled back into bed, pulling the covers back up over himself. He hadn’t realized how cold he had been.

V laid down on his side, turned so he was facing away from Jumin. He wanted to cry still, memory still raw, but he was too tired to cry anymore.

Jumin’s arm came up and his hand rested gently on V’s hip. “You left.”

“I’m sorry. I brought Elizabeth the Third, though.”

“I noticed. She’s decided my foot is very comfortable.”

“She’s not wrong,” V felt a smile breaking through the sadness and he put his foot of Jumin’s. Well, the one that wasn’t occupied by a very special cat.

Jumin chuckled softly, shifting his foot out of the way.

“I love you,” V smiled, turning over to face Jumin. It was only then V noticed how cold his face was, how empty his eyes looked. V felt like a wall inside him and so was a bridge between them. He had to choose which thing he was going to try to salvage.

Jumin hummed softly, sitting up. Elizabeth the Third barely moved at all, but Jumin picked her up and sat her in his lap, looking down at her with affection as he ran his fingers through her fur.

“I’m sorry.”

Jumin kept his eyes focused on the cat, “Not sorry enough to tell me what’s going on.”

“Jumin-“

“V, something is clearly bothering you. Will you talk to me about it? Please?”

“Jumin I-“ the sensation was starting again, the feeling of something grabbing his throat.

He felt Jumin hold his hand, running a finger over it with the same care he touched Elizabeth, “Tell me what’s going on.”

V felt the tears build up again, running down his checks. He just wanted to stop crying long enough to talk, but things didn’t seem to be going his way this morning.

“Please stop crying. I don’t know what to do when this happens.”

V almost wanted to laugh, because it was just so _Jumin_ , but he didn’t.

“My um, my vision accident wasn’t really an accident.” V focused on the wall, like when he told the story to himself. It was easier that way. It made it less real. “I, god, I’m so stupid.”

“No, you’re not.”

“But I am, Jumin. I-“ V stopped himself, turning to face Jumin, “I don’t want you to think any less of anyone because of what I’m about to tell you. Will you promise me?”

“You can tell me anything, V. Nothing could change my opinion of you.”

V took a deep breath, eyes closed, “You remember when Rika’s dog died?”

“Of course, how could I forget?”

“Yes, well, I told her to go to therapy. She was struggling more then I think anyone knows, and she would… hurt herself. I couldn’t bare to see her like that, Jumin, you have to understand. She was perfect and to see her…” V took a deep breath. “I just couldn’t do it. And one night, we were home together and she told me that she needed to hurt herself to feel okay. That I didn’t understand, but I could. She wanted to… she wanted to show me. And I, I don’t know what came over me. I just loved her so much, and she was so scared I would leave her, so I told her I wouldn’t. I told her she could strangle me or break my legs or… I told her she could… she could blind me.” V could feel himself shaking, goosebumps prickling on his skin. “I didn’t think she actually would, but a few days later, I woke up to find her above me. I didn’t understand what was happening. Well I did, but I felt so… I don’t know. I should have pushed her away, I should have moved or flinched but I just sort of froze and let her… blind me.” V looked up at Jumin, uncertain as to what would happen next. _He’s not like you, V. He’s sensible. He’s not going to let some broken thing tear him apart._

“Could you tell me why it bothers you?”

“What do you mean?”

“I mean, I know why it bothers you. I just want to hear you say it.”

V wasn’t sure, to be honest. He hadn’t really thought about why it bothered him. His words seemed a step ahead of his thoughts, though. “It bothers me because she didn’t ask first.” Part of his brain screamed that wasn’t true, that Rika had sort of asked and he had sort of said okay, but the whole thing had gone down in such a roundabout way V hadn’t really realized what he was agreeing to. All he wanted was for someone to ask before they did things, to be clear and upfront, honest and obvious. And Jumin was all those things.

“Have you told anyone else about this?”

“No.”

“So you don’t like to talk about it. That’s okay. But V, I think you should talk to someone. At least tell your parents. I’m not going to pressure you to, but I think you should.”

The room was quiet then, and V felt like he could breathe a little easier. But he wasn’t totally at ease. “Are you angry with me?”

“No, of course not V, how could I be angry with you? I’m grateful you trusted me enough to tell me.”

V took a deep breath and nodded, looking at the man in his boxers with his cat curled up in his lap and smiling at the sight.

“I hope I didn’t do anything to bring all that up for you. If you don’t feel comfortable with me over you I understand if-“

“No, no Jumin. You’re perfect.”

Jumin smiled softly, shaking his head, “Come on, let’s get breakfast.” Jumin pulled V out of bed and Elizabeth meowed loudly, eyes wide as she leapt out the door. “I think Elizabeth smells smoked salmon.”

V laughed, smile rising to his face. He was tired, yes, but less tired than he had been. Somehow, with the truth revealed and Jumin’s quiet acceptance, the world seemed warmer, and V thought that maybe everything could be okay.

 


End file.
